Vitaortus Character Guest Blogger -‘Georges’ shares his thoughts on “Bordello of Blood” (1996)

By Georges Picault (French, 35 y.o. when turned in Paris c. 1790) Highly appreciated man-about-town and restaurateur.

 

The Cryptkeeper

The Cryptkeeper

What is this She has done to me—forcing me to review this horror that only the worst kind of straight, frat boy could love?! It is a travesty, and my eyes cannot unsee what they have seen. Loloches everywhere!

However, thank God it is redeemed by its ending.

And anyway, who does not, after all, love the Cryptkeeper?

The fabulous Angie Everhart as Lilith

The fabulous Angie Everhart as Lilith

Bordello of Blood. As tantalizingly as the name slips over the tongue and past the lips, I cannot say that I, being who I am, enjoyed this film. It was an assault on my senses. But I will say that Angie Everhart was fabulous, elegant and looked wonderful in her costumes. Her one-liners were really the best of the entire script. I felt for her as Lilith, mother of all Vampires.

But—Dennis Miller? Non, non, non, non! He had no redeeming quality. Yes, Yes. I understand he is an

Dennis Miller & Chris Sarandon prepare for horrifying 'Ballroom Blitz".

Dennis Miller & Chris Sarandon prepare for horrifying ‘Ballroom Blitz”.

antihero, but really, how anti do you need to be? He was completely unsympathetic.

Cory gets what he deserves

Cory gets what he deserves

In fact, all of the men, to include Cory Feldman, were très ghastly.  They were classless and deserving of their lack of female admiration. The mortician was probably the most vile thing I have observed in a very long time—utterly repulsive. I will say, though, that Aubrey Morris played his role to perfection. I did appreciate that his repulsiveness was perfectly executed.

And Chris Sarandon, while looking his usual lovely self, would have been a little more convincing if he had a proper conservative minister’s coiffure. American reverends of this type are notoriously clean-looking. He was far too hirsute. Otherwise, while turning down his usual ‘smolder’, he too exuded a smarminess that made for a sinister minister.

Chris the Reverend Prosthelytizes with his geetar.

Chris the Reverend Prosthelytizes with his geetar.

There was no actual theme here except women as sex object, blood-sucking, evil monsters or proper little virgins to be turned. No underlying symbolism—just unadulterated silliness. It was boorish.

And yet, one can see the utter joy had by all and sundry males associated with the film with the execution of the ‘Ballroom Blitz’ scene. One can only wonder at the depth of the sexual frustration suffered by the writer and/or creators. I do hope they received the catharsis needed by such impotent rage. Still, it was brilliant in its gore and horror. I salute them in all their pathetic resentment toward the power of the feminine. I must add, Lilith’s heart-eating is the single act to which it all boils down. Poor, poor lads.

Chomp!

Chomp!

While I do not like to see Lilith treated in such a disrespectful manner (as if Dennis Miller or his character ‘Rafe’ would EVER turn down a diva such as Madam Everhart—so unrealistic), I know she could never be destroyed, like Dracula.

And as I have said, it is all redeemed and everyone gets their desserts—wait, do I mean just deserts?

No way to treat a Diva.

No way to treat a Diva.

5 on the vampire coiffure scale

2 on the vampire tale scale

1 on the vampire entertainment importance scale (except for Angie–she was phenomenal)

Please, She who weaves my fate, do not make me view another such as this. It is cruel. Ask Jack, I’m sure he has watched it many times. Why couldn’t you have given me “Interview”?

Comments

  1. Very nice. Your craft is improving -wickedly. Props.

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